Teens can be overwhelming in our lives. “Dear Dr. Wes: Real Life Advice for Parents of Teens” is a parenting guide from Wes Crenshaw, a psychologist with much experience in dealing with teenagers of many levels. With plenty of frank advice as Crenshaw discusses topics with the assistance of many teen writers, he presents an intriguing and thoughtful break down of what it takes to be a good mentor to a teen. “Dear Dr. Wes” is a top pick for parents struggling with their teens. Also of note is “Dear Dr. Wes: Real Life Advice for Teens” (9780615570419, $13.99) a more direct advice manual for teenagers from Dr. Wes and his teenage collaborators.

Here’s what I’m calling Twitter Poetry from Sandra. I did a tiny bit of editing here, removing all but the first hashtag and promoted two of her lines to where they fit a little better. Otherwise, this is straight up.

What a world we live in when we can share art this way….

Dear Dr. Wes:

My girlfriends told me that if I want to get with a guy I need to get a Brazilian Wax; and that all the boys they know will only be with me if I do it. I assume you know what that is. It sounds terrible to me and it will hurt and I don’t want to do it, but they’re pressuring me to do it. What is your advice?

Dr. Wes: Originally, I didn’t think we could run this in our weekly newspaper column, but I got the okay last week, so the more formal version will run late this month. I have to admit that I was taken aback by this. Yes I do know what a Brazilian Wax job is, but if readers don’t, lets just save you the Google search and say it has to do with removing pubic hair. Completely. ‘Nuf said. I thought this was mostly something young women so they could wear very brief bikini’s .But sure enough, more research tells us that many girls are doing this specifically to please a partner.

In fact, I hear there may well be increasing pressure for girls to wax just to land a guy, many of whom apparently find that look quite pleasing. Unfortunately, I think there’s a rat in this story somewhere, and it’s called pornography. As we say in our books, porn is the way a lot of young men learn about sex, and this kind of story is a major reason why. Apparently that same look is pretty popular among today’s internet porn stars (and wannabees) and thus boys want their girls to (cringe now) look the same way.

This is disturbing for about nine reasons, but the most important one is this: Pornography in its current form is demeaning enough to women without girls trying to look more like the girls depicted therein. This goes beyond body image, and self-respect, to a very troubling place in our society where the line between sex and childhood is being crossed, and none of us should be comfortable with where  it’s headed

If two partners are in a healthy monogamous relationship and they agree they want to try out their local waxing clinic, I say “fine,” especially if the guy is offering himself up for the same procedure. It’s not for anyone to judge that choice. But if Brazilian Waxing is the new ticket into the dating pool–as this girl’s letter suggests–we need to add it to our long list of topics to discuss with teenagers in our sex talks. Everyone deserves free will to choose something this personal, and no boys, late teen or young adult, should be permitted to dictate his terms for a relationship in this way. I’ll admit it’s kind of an awkward topic, but we’ve made it through others. We can make it through this one.

As for our dear reader, I say ignore your friends and find a new dating pool.

However, before the media starts pontificating about how this could have happened, turning to experts and theories and lists of symptoms to explain what is essentially inexplicable, lets take a deep breath. The most popular theory for such events was made famous at Columbine—that school shooters are bullied. It’s already resurfaced again in Chardon. But more recent examinations of Columbine find this wasn’t the case at all; that Harris and Klebold were actually the bullies, not the victims. Likewise and sadly, tens of thousands of teens are bullied each year. No doubt many fantasize about committing violence against their torturers, but few load a round in the chamber. Almost none pull the trigger.

Theories and lists cloud our reality, and limit our ability to help disturbed teens, thereby preventing future incidents. Trying to identify violent teens this way ironically yields both false-positives and false security, offering no substitute for the real and crucial connections we need to make with kids, and that they need to make with each other. Lists and theories are easy. Understanding is not.

I suggest a better intervention, one we can each practice every day without a list. One that needs no theory. Let’s consider anyone as having a potential for harm to self or others, given the right set of circumstances and stressors, with teens being especially vulnerable to loneliness, alienation, and destructive thinking. Only then can we see that the best response is to teach our young to value each other every day; to reach out kindly; to consider how we impact the lives around us; to take seriously our own individual power to harm and help. We can begin at home, by treating them the same way.

We are all interconnected and, to an extent, responsible for each other in our words and actions. Yet increasingly, teenagers follow adults in our society, showing a callous disregard for personal dignity and human suffering in favor of a perverted version of free speech that often comes anonymously and without personal responsibility. Texting, email, and Facebook make harsh interactions impersonal, as if writing it down and sending it makes it okay. Today’s political campaigns target cruel words carefully to get the most votes from angry, frustrated constituents. It’s unlikely our teenagers will display any better behavior than the adult role models around them and on national TV.

Yes, only the tiniest fraction of teens will respond to difficulties by killing their peers. But that fortunate statistic shouldn’t relieve us of the responsibility to help each other find a better way, to lead one another toward a sense of self-worth, and to emphasize the worth of others. No one is responsible for this incident in Ohio except the person who committed it, and I’m not suggesting otherwise. But the choices we make in our daily interactions belong to each of us. We need to teach our kids to make them humanely.

There will be plenty of time to find out what really went on in Chardon, how one boy could have reached the critical mass necessary to walk meticulously through the steps necessary to murder his peers. For now, dear media friends, report the story. Leave the commentary in the background until we understand the facts.

This is the knot you probably learned as a kid (if you learned to tie at all.) It’s fine for a sixth grader, but once you get into high school it looks lopsided and lazy. When I see a doctor or accountant wear the four-in-hand knot, I wonder what other corners they are cutting.

This is the half-Windsor knot. Doesn’t that look neater? The best part about this knot is that it looks tough to learn, but it’s actually pretty easy:

(photo credit: Wikipedia)

In fact, I love Twitter the most because it is so uncensored. Where else can you plug straight into a teenagers brain and see what they’re thinking, as they’re thinking it. Well…my office is one place. But that’s private. Twitter is decidedly not private and it may be the best ethnographic study of teens available today.  Here’s a few of my faves that I shared on KCUR the other day, by category.

FUNNY

Reasons to date a British boy: His accent, having someone call you “love”, his accent, they dress better, his accent, they’re cuter.

STRAIGHT UP

Don’t tell a girl you love her, because she might just make the stupidest mistake in her life and believe it.

“friends with benefits” in reality is telling you that you’re good enough to have sex with, but not good enough to invest feelings in.

Dear guys: Touch her heart, not her body. Steal her attention, not her happiness. Make her smile, don’t waste her tears..

Good looks, attracts eyes. Good personality attracts hearts..

ive startd to notice tht its dudes who usually start to get emotionally attachd to a female andstop messin wit her for tht reason..

Every boy wants a good girl to be bad just for him. Every girl wants a bad boy to be good just for her.

GOOD ADVICE

Be the girl you want your daughter to be. Be the girl you want your son to date. Be classy, anything but trashy.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

POETRY

By far my favorite is this series of tweets by one teenager that I turned into a little poem. I used the hashtag once and then deleted it on each line and rearranged the lines. Othwerise the tweets are exactly as they came down. This young person is a very prolific tweeter and very often smart. I’m not even sure she knows how good this work is. You can follow her via my Young-Strong-Voices list

#IWantSomeOneWhoWill
run through sprinklers with me and have water gun fights.
take me to new places and teach me new things.
never judge me on my past mistakes.

hold a damn conversation and keep it going for more than a lousy 10 minutes.
kiss me on the lips when I’m talking too much to shut me up.
disregard how shitty I look some days
and think I’m beautiful in every single way.
take me out on dinner dates instead of the cliche movie date.
buy me McDonald’s whenever I want.

chase me when I walk away
give me piggyback rides.
snort like a pig with me.
put his arms around me to show everyone else that I’m his.
help me overcome my fears.

never give up on me.